Orchid Children

A recent Atlantic article by David Dobbs on the “Science of Success,” offers a wealth of insights on parenting kids with highly sensitive genes—or at least genes that put them at risk for depression, ADHD and the like.  While rough and tumble kids might be likened to dandelions, which can grow in any old crack in the sidewalk, kids with potentially problematic genetic proclivities are compared to orchids—delicate beings that need the special care of a greenhouse in order to thrive.  The bad news is that if we mess up, or fail to engage and attune with these “orchid children,” they can have serious problems with school, life and mental health, however if we get it right, these kids can be truly exceptional—even more gifted than kids with what we would have thought were “better” genes.  For the article see: http://tiny.cc/6Iguy.

As sometimes happens with science, men come running out of the lab shouting “Eureka!” about things practically every experienced mom could have already told you—only she’s been too busy taking care of the kids to spend thirty years watching monkey moms raise (and sometimes fail) their children.  Just as the world was actually round even before it was a science newsflash, folk wisdom has long known that orchid kids are potential superstars if they get the right parenting.

The real significance of science validating mothers’ intuition about the potential value in kids who have been too often seen by much of society as “problem children,” may be in helping facilitate a radical re-think about how to teach these kids—with a recognition that additional resources spent on orchid kids might be more than compassionate, it might be a great way to cultivate genius and innovation for the good of the group.  We might also recognize that these kids are harder to parent than average, and thus that their parents also merit some sort of recognition and extra support; this would be consistent with both a more compassionate as well as a more enlightened society.

We are beginning to conceptualize genes as a bit like a blueprint that our kids bring with them into the world, but parents and teachers may be like the contractors who must be skilled in interpreting, following and honoring the blueprint.  Imagine if someone hands a mediocre contractor the plans for a complex and nuanced building like Disney Hall—in the wrong hands we’re more likely to end up with a fiasco than a landmark.

Kids with sensitive genes are easier to mess up because they are highly sensitive to virtually all experiences.  As parents, however, we don’t need to be brilliant to parent brilliant kids well—we need to be calm, loving, attuned and engaged.

As interesting, validating and encouraging as this orchid child hypothesis may be for understanding these kids, many of us who may be parenting orchid kids may be wilted orchids in our own right—damaged corsages who grew up on the wrong side of the greenhouse tracks.  Meanwhile, giving what we ourselves didn’t get (i.e. attunement, a calm environment), which is often the crux of best-Self parenting, can leave us highly sensitive caregivers feeling pushed to our blooming ends.

The Atlantic article makes the point that it serves evolution to have a lot of dandelions but also a good number of orchids—seen as “highly leveraged bets” in an evolutionary sense (likely to falter, but if given the right conditions, likely to truly advance).  Thus sensitivities are reframed as plasticity and possibility, which I highly endorse and believe in; my main point, however, is empathy for the parents called to the orchid task.  To mix our metaphors, we need to know when we have a diamond in the rough on our hands—an orchid that hasn’t yet bloomed and is at risk of frustrating teachers and depleting parents who may not realize that their little thoroughbred need a different level of care, but can very likely deliver something special if properly nurtured.

This orchid hypothesis, as Dobbs calls it—the notion that seemingly “bad” genes are actually potential great genes, although only if properly parented/taught and facilitated—goes a long way toward explaining why so-called bad genes (i.e. risk for depression, ADHD, etc.) have not been bred out of us humans by natural selection.

The orchid kid as metaphor has previously shown up in the softer corners of science and psychology in more poetic voices, such as Alice Miller’s Drama of the Gifted Child as well as in Elaine Aaron’s work, “The Highly Sensitive Child” to name just two.  Aaron helps frame sensitivity as a “real” (i.e. biological) difference, but doesn’t get to the level of presenting statistical evidence for seemingly risky genes offering an actual advantage over hardy genes when the parenting environment is good.

The notion that sensitivities might represent a bona fide and scientifically valid genetic advantage could have interesting social and political implications; all sorts of differences, from gay and lesbian to anxiety, depression and spectrum disorders could all be re-visited to explore what sorts of unique gifts we all might carry, not to mention how to best support everyone in the group to be their best Selves.  Part of leaving no child behind includes figuring out what every child needs—because there is no one thing that will work for all children.  Another part of leaving no child behind is not leaving parents high, dry and behind either.

In addition to dandelions and orchids, if we’re talking plant metaphors let’s not forget the ubiquitous Narcissus, a hardy enough plant that seems to grow even better than dandelions, at least in Los Angeles.  In our, I hope soon-ending, Narcissistic Age there has been a tremendous emphasis on the individual and little understanding of the web of relationships that connect us all together, with the result being mass alienation.  The key to understanding orchids, dandelions and parents might be in conceptualizing the relationships between us all as the central point of focus, moving away from the notion of stand-alone gifted or troubled children toward an emphasis on trusting and nourishing vs. troubled and destructive relationships.

Even if science has just now realized it and made it official, homo sapiens have always been blessed with sensitivities that allow for a higher consciousness—and when enough of us wake up to loving not just all our collective children, but to loving the very relationships that pulse between us all—then we’re tickling at the edges of gratitude for the way it all is, and thus opening our hearts to a truer happiness in which our world, all our kids, and our inter-relatedness all somehow help us wake up and bloom—as individuals, but also, and better still, as a world.

Namaste, Bruce


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10 Responses to “Orchid Children”

  1. BigLittleWolf Says:

    This is an enlightening – and enlightened post. I do think many parents (those who do the day-in day-out parenting) see these attributes – the sensitivity and the gifts, when their child displays both. We see our dandelions and our orchids, and sometimes, hybrids even of the two.

    I found this particularly intriguing:

    “As interesting, validating and encouraging as this orchid child hypothesis may be for understanding these kids, many of us who may be parenting orchid kids may be wilted orchids in our own right—damaged corsages who grew up on the wrong side of the greenhouse tracks. Meanwhile, giving what we ourselves didn’t get (i.e. attunement, a calm environment), which is often the crux of best-Self parenting, can leave us highly sensitive caregivers feeling pushed to our blooming ends.”

    I believe I know of which this speaks. And I do think there are sensitivities (and “telepathy” for want of a more precise term) that exist, in particular between parents and children. I found myself, today, on the receiving end of exactly that. And it’s a glorious thing when it occurs.

  2. Beth K Says:

    Calm and kind teachers and mentors who understand and engage orchid children are important for these children and their parents. While I try (and sometimes fail) to engage with my children in a calm and loving way, I am grateful to those teachers and after-school program mentors who “get” my children and thoroughly engage them.

  3. Shannon Says:

    I like the “dandelion” and “orchid” metaphor because it describes children’s temperments better than the usual terms of “easy” and “highly sensitive”. Who wouldn’t want an “easy” baby over a “highly sensitive” one? It’s a gentle reminder to me when I watch my “orchid” completely falling apart that when she recovers, she blooms into something terribly beautiful. (I’m also writing about adventures in parenting orchids and dandelions on my blog: http://www.lifetransitions.blogspot.com).

  4. Happy Birthday to a Man out of Time « Privilegeofparenting’s Blog Says:

    […] is Albert Einstein’s birthday, that visionary orchid who blew the whole space-time thing open for the modern Western […]

  5. Michelle Fulcher Says:

    This is my all time ever favorite blog post. I read this a couple of months ago and it struck such a cord with me, that I moved an old, neglected (and heavy) potted orchid up to my back step where I could see it every day, nurture it every day and remember this post everyday.
    My son got diagnosed with AS just last week, and while I’ve been looking around the net for resources for months, all the blogs I have found just haven’t rung true with the rest of my life & my style of parenting.
    I am so grateful now, more than ever that I listened to my instincts and rejected the traditional/mainstream parenting ideas that were being sold to me by my community and so grateful that I had the guts to trust myself and my instincts with him. Because he, more than anyone, needed it, and needed me to step up.
    And now I have also been blessed with a sparky, independent dandelion daughter as well. I wouldn’t change either of them for the world!
    xo Michelle

    • privilegeofparenting Says:

      Such lovely spirit in your words, Michelle. It’s wonderful that you are able to embrace the gifts that life has brought you, and I thank you for sharing this spirit and allowing it to ripple out to others here. It’s nice to learn from each other, and particularly nice to learn from our kids. Namaste

  6. Dr. TSE Says:

    I was an orchid child. I very obidient and was top of my class in math skills and in written skills, but was poor in verbal skills and was extremely shy. My parents were a violent alcoholic father and an emotionally detached mother, both of whom had no interest in my academic life and made no effort to help me with my ever-increasing shyness and eventual depression.

    I was lucky. Most of my teachers were caring and nurturing as were the parents of friends. I learned to escape into my studies, a place where neither parent could or would bother to find me.

    I eventually married another orchid, and although our common traits drew us together and helped us grow emotionally, we both still lack many of the social skills that our professional careers require.

    When I first read the Atlantic’s article (and the many newspaper articles that have since spun off) I was elated. Someone out there got it! And My wife and I got much needed validation.

    Knowing now what I am helps tremendously. I’m not weird (non-human as I believed at one time), and may even have worth to society. But I still mourn my lost childhood and the lost opportunity to be the most that I can be: I am a research scientist with a doctorate who sentenced himself to work below his statIon in order to accomodate his stunted social skills.

    After two major depressive episodes as an adult I eventually got psychiatric help, and was blessed to have been assigned a very patient and caring doctor. Today I consider myself as only mildly shy and have begun to enjoy the privileges of the dandelions: to voice an opinion without fear, to seek out new friendships, to let others know I care and to extend my own hand to help when I sense help would be appreciated.

    To other orchids who grew up under bad circumstances I say this: as an adult “take charge of your own garden”. It may be too late for you to be your best, but it’s never too late to improve.

    To orchid parents of orchids: give your kids what you needed. Nurture them and watch them take off. I take pride in introducing my daughter the ethologist and sports-writer son as “the improved models” – and mean it.

    And to dandelion parents of orchids: keep reading the articles on orchids – they have lots of great insights. Remember that each child gets only one crack at getting childhood right – you as a parent can help them become creative members of society or, on the other extreme, you can point fingers to make yourself feel better. Only society and history (written by the young) can judge whether you’ve been a help or a hindrance.

    (name witheld)

  7. Courage « Privilegeofparenting’s Blog Says:

    […] who are highly sensitive tend to feel things more acutely (see orchid kids) and thus we sensitive sorts may feel our fears more hugely.  For the shy and the sensitive it may […]

  8. rebecca @ altared spaces Says:

    Tearful and grateful.

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